In regard to Pam's post about feeling very emotional at times and being caught off-guard by these feelings . . .

I must concur with our fellow heart moms who have already posted. It is perfectly normal to feel this way, especially when you are under extreme pressure or stress. I cannot imagine a mother in our situation NOT feeling this way at one time or another.

I know that even though my son's birthday his last August was a great time of rejoicing, I also felt kind of sad. I wondered why I was feeling sad when I knew I should have felt overjoyed. I think that part of it was that I couldn't help but remember some of the children we have loved who passed away -- and I ached for those parents. And I think some of it was that I knew that even though we reached the miraculous 5 year old milestone, our battle was not miraculously over. Yes, Alex is now five years old and he is wonderful, delightful, funny and a tremendous blessing, but his heart is not magically fixed. I don't wish to get morbid, but I think that even in the face of great joy, we are reminded of our children's mortality and we find ourselves grieving anew.

This doesn't only happen with the women, either. I have seen my husband with a tear in his eyes a number of times. It is normal. I think it happens less as our children progress farther from their last surgery and do not suffer major complications or setbacks. But we are all waiting for that other shoe to drop and that is a very difficult way to live. I try to take each day as a blessing and a gift, but I also feel the weight of knowing that I never know what could happen tomorrow.

It's amazing we aren't all crazy!

On a more positive note:
Alexander has been very creative lately. This Pokemon craze has spurred incredible activity on his part. He and his brother have been creating their own Pokemon cards, which are really cute. But Alex has taken all of this even farther. He has created his own "universe" called Rajoworld and he has creatures called Rajomon which live there. He has become very elaborate in his stories and in developing his characters (direct takeoffs on Pokemon), but he is adding his own flair to them, too. (To see more about Rajoworld and Alex's creations, click Here.)

The other day he told me that Rajomon never die (are a lot of our kids talking about death lately, or what!?). He said that anytime a Rajomon gets hurt or has a problem, they go to Rajoworld and they regenerate whatever is wrong with them (he's learning some sophisticated vocabulary with this Pokemon stuff!). Then he told me that they are fine after that. He also informed me that he is a Rajomon and that I don't need to worry because he'll never die (where that came from, I don't know).

I'm starting to sense that these Rajomon are really a way for Alex to work things out...

Two weeks ago I took the boys to a homeschooling skate day. I never skated as a child, but when the kids said they wanted to go, I said I'd take them. The problem was, of course, that I couldn't tell them what to do or anything. They'd have to figure it out on their own.

At the skating rink I laced up Alex's skates and helped Joey, too. Then Alex was holding my arm and he said, "Don't worry, Mom. All Rajomon know how to skate." I smiled and he started to move and was doing great! I commented that it appeared that Rajomon could skate and then he started to fall. I grabbed him and his eyes were as big as saucers. He looked afraid and almost near tears but I said, "Don't worry, Alex. All Rajomon know how to skate, but they still have to practice." He smiled and did pretty well as long as we stayed on the carpeted areas. Joey, meanwhile, fell all over the place but had a blast.

I kind of feel these Rajomon that Alex created give him a sense of power that five year olds usually do not feel. He talks about Rajomon all day and has drawn pictures and cards of them, is creating movies and games in his head and even talks about merchandising his creations in the form of t-shirts and shoes. The scary thing is that he talks about it so much that now even I can name a bunch of these characters! LOL

Thank goodness we have such wonderful kids. The beauty of their spirit makes up for the grief we must also endure. I guess that's what keeps us from going crazy.

I hope you all have a terrific day!

Sincerely,