Before It's Too Late
Written by: Anna Jaworski
Before It's Too Late
Written by: Anna Jaworski
On the Internet there is a Heart Family. It is a group of parents, grandparents, friends, aunts, uncles, friends, and so forth, who have children with congenital heart defects, or maybe the individual has a heart defect. These people meet in chatrooms, on listservs, on message boards, in guestbooks or even on personal pages. Somehow communication occurs. Somehow a connection is made.The incredible thing about members of our Heart Family is that once we "meet," we feel as though we have known each other forever. The connection runs deep. Members of this Heart Family quickly share feelings, thoughts, and desires that they might not share with anyone else. Maybe a child has died and heart parents meet another parent in the same situation, or the parents' children have the same heart defect, maybe it is a mother meeting a grandmother or an aunt or a sister--still there is this deep connection and understanding. It might even be two dads meeting where few words have to be spoken for understanding to really occur.
The place the Heart Family is most evidently a family is on the listservs. On the listservs people communicate on a regular basis. People share their experiences and their opinions and since the members see the same names popping up over and over, or the members use signatures which help identify themselves, the whole list feels like a family.
The very foundation of a listserv is a beautiful concept. People who have a common bond get together and share. And while the listserv is small, and people respect one another, it remains something awesome. Some members of the Heart Family even travel great distances to meet in person. Or sometimes the friend they discover online is a neighbor down the street.
Listservs usually start out very small; just a handful of people getting together. But as the word about this phenomenal family spreads, more and more people join. Before long, the listserv becomes very large and some people are outspoken. Unlike nuclear families who exist simply on verbal communication where words spoken are often forgotten, the Internet family's method of communication is written. There is a record of every transgression, every beautiful or hurtful word. And because we are all so vulnerable to each other, because our commonality is so fundamental to our being, when we love or hurt, we do it deeply. Maybe, for some, an unconditional love occurs; maybe, for some, the hurt is unforgiveable.
Families all have their little secrets, their liasions, their inside stories or jokes. Newer members to the family are often unaware of these things, just like a person who marries into a family. And while the newbies are learning, fresh mistakes may be made. They will be corrected or (hopefully) gently told the information they need. There is no manual here. There is no rule book. A listserv may try to institute one by means of List Rules, but few people read them and even fewer follow them. A webmaster cannot force courtesy.
As our Heart Family has grown and problems have occurred some of our list members quit one list and find another or quit the Internet all together. Some just jump from one list to another trying to find their niche or they start their own list or chat so that they have a place where they belong and where they are free to be themselves.
Although the Heart Family has moved and changed and grown bigger and bigger, there is one constant. We are all affected by heart defects. That is the core of our bond. And whatever mistakes have occurred, whatever transgressions have been made, we must remember what brought us together in the first place.
If one finds oneself in a situation where they are with a member of the Heart Family where something hurtful has occurred, one needs to at least practice kindness and courtesy. At best we should practice compassion. Why do family members show up at events where they may not be invited or if they are invited, where they are merely tolerated? We all know family members who do this. Should we throw them out of the family so they don't have the same opportunity to hurt us, or anyone else, again? Some people would say "yes."
I say "no."
I believe there is one small test that should be run: ask yourself what you would do if that person's child were in the hospital. What would you do? Would you pray for that person and the person's family? Would fear grip your own heart, fear that the unthinkable could happen? Would you want to reach out and help the person, pushing aside your differences and focusing on what is really important?
If you answer "yes" to any of those questions, then you have the true spirit of family in your heart. So I ask one more question: Why wait to reach out until a tragedy occurs?
Mistakes are made everyday by every individual. Undoubtedly some mistakes are minor--a typo or a missed word; some mistakes are more painful and hurt more deeply. Some mistakes cause us to question the trust we have developed with some people. Some mistakes teach us not to be so gullible. Some mistakes teach us to think before we speak. Some mistakes help us to change.
All mistakes are an opportunity for growth, but it is up to each individual. Will you harbor the hurt or use the experience to grow?There is another common denominator in the Heart Family. We all know that life is too short and fragile to take for granted. Let's not take each other for granted or watch an opportunity for compassion slip away because of past transgressions. Let's not "say" hurtful things which are written records that can be revisited over and over again. Let's not repeat past offenses. Let's put aside our differences and our pain. Let's embrace what we still have in common before it's too late.
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